by Kelly Hoogenakker, Fellow
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
—Rumi
I love Rumi, but this quote really bothered me when I first read it. I have been an idealist dreamer for as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I dreamed of making the world a happier, more peaceful place. And as my awareness of who I am and what I came here to do has shifted over my lifetime, that desire hasn’t diminished.
I came across this quote several years ago, along with the other one most often attributed to Ghandi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” While I understand the value and importance of self-improvement, these seemed to suggest that we can’t change the world so we should just give up on it and focus on ourselves. And it struck me as irresponsible and a cop out, quite frankly.
I mean, isn’t that a perfect mantra for white privilege? Are we really just going to meditate our way to racial equality and greater diversity, inclusion and unity? That would certainly be nice. And easy. But, no. Despite many well-meaning white ladies on yoga mats, this hasn’t happened yet.
What I do believe to be true in these quotes is that I cannot control anything or anyone in the world beyond myself. The desire to control the world and shape it into something that I believe is better is the thought process of a dictator – no matter how well-intentioned I may think it to be. So, no, I cannot change the world. Not by controlling it, at least.
However, as I have embraced an even deeper dive into the inner work of this past year with A Year of Courageous Conversations, I have come to see it not as an “either/or,” but as a “first/and then” relationship. First, we must do the inner work. First, we must learn to listen to ourselves – to the thoughts we have, and especially the ones we don’t like or want to have – before we can listen deeply and with empathy to anyone else. First, we must see the implicit bias that we have inherited from our culture, before we can work to dismantle the systems that taught it to us. First, we must understand our own fears and where they come from, before we can reach others who are being driven by their unconscious fears and misconceptions.
Once we have committed ourselves to this inner work, we will find ourselves thinking differently, speaking differently and reacting differently to the world as it is. I may not be able to take racism out of the world or even out of my own subconscious, but I can change how I react when I witness it. I may not be able to heal the divide in our country, but I can invite someone to a cup of tea and a difficult conversation of opposing viewpoints. I can choose what values I stand for and what actions I will not condone with my silence. I can host a dinner party for guests who strongly disagree and invite them to talk openly and listen deeply to each other. I can inspire others with my bravery to try and fail, and sound stupid sometimes. I can refuse to stuff myself into an “us vs. them” category of thoughtlessness. I can practice humility in my attempts to grow and make better choices than I did a year ago.
I believe the world will always be imperfect and difficult and even cruel. But what if our world was designed that way so that we would have something to fight for? What if the way in which the world changes isn’t like a tidal wave but like the tiny ripples that spread across a still lake after a pebble has been tossed in? Ripples that move from one courageous person to another, like acts of brave kindness that continually pay themselves forward. And, what if, as we strive towards a more perfect world with one small action at a time, it is not in the foolish belief that we will one day achieve a perfect world, but with the wisdom of knowing that, in the striving for it, we reveal the best parts of who we are and what humans can be.
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Kelly Hoogennaker is a Fellow of A Year of Courageous Conversations to explore how to foster greater inclusion and belonging in our communities. The series is presented by Urban Consulate at Barrington’s White House in Barrington, Illinois. To read more, visit CourageousConversations.us.
(Photo Credit: Christina Noël)